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Thursday, 2 April 2009

Ninja Assassin - Test Screening Review

AICN have been sent this review of James McTeigue's Ninja Assassin starring Rain and it sounds like we are going to get some cool ninja action. The review is full of spoilers and swearing so if you are averse to either then stop reading......now!

The movie opens with a tattoo artist giving some gang punk some ink on his back. The punk is whiny about it, crying like a bitch that it hurts to much. The old, wise artist goes on to explain that tattoos show how a man lived his life, the journey he took, etc. The punk asks if he has any tattoos, which the old man does. One right over his heart, a ninja slicing a sword where a giant scar is. The man goes on to say that he had seen "one" once. He won't even utter the word. Ninja. The punk and his friends laugh at the old man, mocking him with the word - ninja, ninja, ninja! An envelope arrives, in it is just black sand. Proceed to the bloodiest opening of movie I have ever seen. Ninjas are the fucking shit. Left and right, bodies are sliced in half. Limbs are cut off. Ninja stars are flying everywhere. If there is darkness, there are ninjas in it. They move in and out of the darkness like ghosts. I have never shit myself in a theatre before, but I almost did out of glee because I knew what I was in for.

Cue the plot of the movie which has to happen to move the story along. Two Interpol agents are working on a case of someone that has mysteriously died. They are brilliantly played by Naomie Harris as Mika, the black chick, and Ben Miles as Douchebag, P.I. (his name was Ryan according to IMDB, but I never heard it). I was being sarcastic when I said brilliant. Epic douche chills whenever they were on screen. Mika wasn't as bad as her co-star. Here's the deal. Mika, is working this case when she comes across some shit that leads her to believe someone was killed by ninjas, and there is 100,000 in Euros floating around or some bullshit. The plot sucked, but Joe Public needs their fucking story laid out in front of them or they don't get it. Apparently, they think there is some ninja clan taking little kids and training them to be full blown assassins. Well gee, they couldn't be more fucking right.

Rain, an actor whom I have never seen pwns this movie. He plays Raizo, orphan turned death machine. In the first 45 min of the film we cut back and forth with Raizo training to be a ninja, with the glue that is Mika and her obsession to find out what happened to this 100,000 in Euros. I'm dropping the subplot of the Euros now, because they did it in the movie too, but just dragged it out. Hold on for some awesomeness.

We see Raizo, held against his will as he is trained by his "father" - the leader of the Nine Clans. Raizo is one of many young children being trained. He learns the ways on the ninja, while so, falling for a girl who is the same age and training with him. Don't remember her name, sorry. She doesn't live too long anyways, so screw it. Raizo develops a bit of a problem with another student who he is training with. Long story short, his problem buddy end up killing his love interest when she is caught trying to escape the training ground.

Mature Raizo, in his twenties is mysteriously given ( AND NEVER FUCKING EXPLAINED ) picture of Mika. Holy shit, he's gonna kill this bitch! No. FAIL. Mika goes home to find that the lights have been cut off for three blocks in her neighborhood. BItch, if there are people, waiting outside your apartment complex, and you have been busy at work all day tracking motherfucking ninjas, are you going to go in your dark apartment? Of course she does. Christ. Dumb broads. So, shit for brains Mika goes on up to her pitch black apartment for god knows what reason ( NEVER FUCKING EXPLAINED ) and is of course attacked by a ninja! Holy shit! Raizo was sent to kill her! No. Raizo was sent to SAVE HER - (insert epic YUCK here). Raizo slices some motherfucking ninja ass apart... in her apartment, and escapes with her. So now we have Mika (the plot) and Raizo (epic awesomeness) together.

Raizo and Mika go, they exchange stories as what they are each looking for. Mika wants to know where these Euros are, Raizo, tells her she is basically dead unless she does what he says. There are some comedic moments which the audience laughed at, including myself, involving Mika's pants size. Raizo and Mika hit it off, so it's obvious that there is a romance blooming. Mika learns that Raizo left the clan/cult he was in and is looking for revenge. Awesome right? Mika tells Raizo she can help him by calling Douchebag, P.I. Raizo agrees, and is obviously trapped by the Douche and the Interpol/Special Forces. The amount of people it takes to trick one Ninja is unbelievable. They capture Raizo like a dog, literally.

So now, we're holed up in some hidden building the Douche, P.I. is running. Mika is pissed she was double crossed by Douchey P.I., and Raizo is chained the fuck down to a wall. Fuck the story, here come ninjas. Thirsty for Raizo's blood. They've been searching for him for years, and now they know where he is. Another epic death scene. Agents bodies being sliced in half, limbs everywhere. Mika helps Raizo escape, but only after turning into every character that has ever had to turn a key in a horror movie. Holy fucking shit, we get it. People get nervous, and they drop their keys. I wouldn't think that an AGENT would be scared shitless and dropping her keys when trying to pull handcuffs off someone. I swear to god, if I could punch film and hurt it, I fucking would. Raizo and Mika escape, EPIC awesome escape sequence. Ninjas fighting on the highway, one of the best HOLY SHIT moments I've seen recently, and bam, onto the third act.

Raizo gets captured by his old clan. Mika plants a special tracking device in him. Here comes the epic fucking battle. ONE, with a SWAT team storming the ninja clan's hideout, 2. an awesome fight between master vs sensei. I have never seen a ninja face Hummers, machine guns or rocket launchers. Until tonight. I witnessed the most over the top violent ending to a movie ever. Mika is killed, thank god, Raizo kills his master, after an EPIC battle.


The movie fucking ruled.

I learned two things. One, ninjas live in the darkness. Two, ninjas will kill the fuck out of me. I couldn't have been happier leaving the theatre. Watching ninjas move in the shadows was amazing. Overall, I give the movie a B+. Rain stole the show. The blood and violence stole the show. I'm scared for my fucking life because of ninjas. I'm going to suck on a bar of xanax and finish they glass of whiskey I poured. I could not be happier that I drove out to watch this movie. Yes, it had it's issues, but when it comes down to it, I was happy that I was just spoon fed an abundance of violence and blood. I'll be there again opening weekend... with a flashlight.

Sleeping with the lights on, if you use this call me, this time,


Now that sounds like my kind of Ninja film.

Leave a comment on this post below.



Pat said...

haha. fun read, thanks.

sensei and master = same thing.

The Russian said...

Is there ever any point in mentioning that the plotline of a martial arts film sucks? I thought a poor script was essential to ensure nothing distracts from the violence. Must admit, liked this review and looking forward to some major ninja carnage!