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Monday 15 December 2008

The Guardians most ridiculous plots of the year - Spoilers ahoy!

1. The Dark Knight - The Joker's criminal genius
Wait, so the Joker really orchestrated that big truck chase just so that he could get caught and go to prison, then he could kidnap that guard and grab his phone to make the call to set off the bomb he'd previously sewn inside the henchman in the next cell? That would kill the guy who stole the mobsters' money, thus enabling him to … er, what? Heath Ledger's Joker may have been a psychopath, but he had a nerdish capacity for forward planning.

2. Sex And The City - has Big ever used a phone?
OMG Carrie's getting married! Can you believe all the dresses? Can you also believe that Big tries to call her on the day, but some little scamp has run off with her phone? Couldn't he just call Miranda or someone? No, because despite having known them all for 10 years he doesn't have their numbers. Nor is he capable of just getting out of the car and walking in.

3. Iron Man - the cunning getaway
Ha ha! We have kidnapped imperialist weapons dealer Tony Stark. Now let's put him in a cell and force him to build us a missile. We won't need to put guards in with him because we've got these fiendish CCTV cameras. True, it's still possible for him to hide round the corner, but what can go wrong? We'll also overlook those working drawings. Wait a minute! That's not a missile, it's a robo-destruction suit. And now he's in it, killing us all! D'oh!

4. Hancock - immortal and invisible?
What? So there's this one guy on the planet who's been alive, like, forever, and can fly, stop bullets, leap tall buildings, etc, and nobody is the slightest bit curious as to who the hell he is and where he came from? What was he doing during, say, the second world war?

5. Wanted - The Loom of Fate
OK, we can swallow James McAvoy as an action hero. And we'll believe that there's a secret league of assassins who can bend bullets round corners. Even that they were descended from a guild of weavers. But hang on, the Loom of Fate? A mystical apparatus whose woven product has the future of mankind encrypted in its fibres?

6. Indiana Jones - Shia of the Apes
Luckily we've overpowered these Nazis but now they're chasing us down this convenient set of parallel tracks someone has cut through the jungle! Phew, none of us got hurt but where's Shia LaBeouf gone? Thank God (or Spielberg): he's turned into Tarzan. Here he comes swinging through the trees on vines, with a troupe of monkeys.

7. Mamma Mia! - the paternity issue
Which one of these three men could be Sophie's father? If only there was some reliable, scientific way of finding out. She can't get a DNA test, of course, because Abba never wrote a song about that.

8. Man On Wire - don't look down!
A man breaks into the World Trade Centre and walks a tightrope between the towers. Yeah, right.

Source: The Guardian

Anyone got any more?
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